Added: Catarino Hyatt - Date: 07.10.2021 19:48 - Views: 28835 - Clicks: 6269
Going on a date. He uses a wheelchair. Help me not be an idiot. August How to date someone in a wheelchair, PM Subscribe I have a date coming up with a man who uses a wheelchair. He is super funny and smart and super hot. I have never dated someone who uses a wheelchair. In fact, I've never even known someone who uses a wheelchair. Help me not screw it up! Obviously, I feel like the one thing is treat him like a regular human being, because duh.
Things like "don't grab the chair" and "don't try to help unless asked" and "don't say 'what happened to you? I do not know why he uses the chair. Also: I am almost certainly putting the cart before the horse, but in a situation with romantic potential there is the possibility eventuality, if things go well of sex.
Things to keep in mind regarding approaching the topic of sex and the logistics thereof would also be greatly appreciated. I have an older cousin who uses a wheelchair and at some point I realized that I'd bend down to talk to her, like you would with a little. She was kind enough not to say anything about it, but I'm sure it must have felt pretty infantilizing. I cut it out after becoming aware of it. Did you see this post on the blue? Make sure that if you suggest a date location it is fully wheelchair friendly - wide spaces between the tables, no floor height differentials, handicapped bathrooms.
Most people who use wheelchairs are more than happy to share with you the reasons they're chair-bound, once you get to know them. My sister is disabled and she says she knows everyone has some measure of curiosity about it.
It's polite and tactful not to ask, though, as it makes it seem like 'getting to know your disability' rather than getting to know the person. Seconds on not bending over the chair; it's disconcerting, How to date someone in a wheelchair am told. It's nice, on dates, if you can do something where for some part of the time you are both seated because it helps with eye contact. Just have fun and if it does get to sexy-times kind of fun, either he will have his own methods and strategies or you'll get to make some up together.
Finally, from my sister's lips to your ears "Don't try to pretend his disability doesn't exist or is completely taboo to discuss or mention. It's a part of his life, all the time. He sounds dreamy. I have a close friend who's a wheelchair user from a spinal cord injury. Sounds like you're on your way by thinking of ways to make hanging out be about getting to know him, not whatever disabilities he may have.
Rolling Around In My Head is a great blog to get some sense of how people often treat men with disabilities in a weirdly infantilizing way- may raise your awareness in a good way. Til you know his situation better, I think letting him take the lead on logistics will help, as he might be gently steering the timeline to manage physical needs without having to talk about them directly for instance getting home before an aide arrives, or getting to a good restroom in time to be comfortable.
So just casually let him choose the venue, defer to him on the date's duration, and pay attention if he directs you in little things like how to navigate doorways and elevators together- for instance, my friend will tell people "after you" at a door or elevator, because he wants to be able to see them so he doesn't whack their ankles with his chair, but a lot of people want him to go ahead of them, which causes tiny politeness tussles. So I guess try to notice if he's gently directing you to do something, he knows best how the logistics work.
But also, just have fun- you don't have to be in some kind of hyper aware state- most people are a bit awkward on early dates and with people who have different agendas than they do- mistakes happen and being kind, warm, flexible, and open is better than being "perfect" at logistics. I think the main thing I've learned hanging around with people who have disabilities is to trust the person's expertise about their needs, and try to be a good communicator in verbal and non- verbal ways, and be open to feedback and adjustment. It really sounds like you already have those traits.
Have fun! Sounds like you've got things pretty much under control.
He's the only one who needs to be an expert on his personal needs, you sound pretty interested in meeting him and a little awareness goes a long way. The only tidbit I have is a little thing but It's not how one treats adults. That being said standing too close to someone effectively a meter and change tall means that they're forever looking up.
A little space helps the viewing angles a lot. Hope you two have a fantastic evening. Tell him, before the date, "I have no experience with people in wheelchairs. Please feel free to tell me if I'm doing something wrong or annoying. It's a bit "othering" - like he's some weird entity that requires a whole new type of behavior that you could not possibly just adapt to via courtesy and common sense.
I would feel weird if someone said that to me about any of the ways in which we are different Better to just pay attention, listen respectfully if the topic of disability or helping comes up, and be present to any help he asks for, rather than blanket-offering to change all your behaviour ahead of time. I don't think most adults would appreciate that kind of blanket reassurance as it kind of implies they won't "fit" with anyone without a lot of awkward feedback or lessons.
He will know how to advocate for any needs that come up- guarantee he already does it every day just by navigating a world that's not particularly friendly to people with disabilities.
It would actually more reassuring to just be cool in small ways as things come up, and not make a big deal of any adjustments you need to make or new things you learn about his body. One little point- it's more respectful to say "People who use a wheelchair" Rather than "in a wheelchair" or "confined to a wheelchair"- the chair is a tool they use, not a part of them or a punishment.
You already did this- another reason I think you're gonna have a great date! Treat him like someone without a disability. And FYI he is a person with a disability, not disabled, handicapped, or a man in a wheelchair. Treat the wheelchair as part of his body. Look at the world with his eyes and discreetly do things like move chairs out of his way, head for the entrances for people with chairs, ask him in a normal way if it is better if he goes first or you do, etc.
Re sex, I'd be shocked if he doesn't know just how it works for him. Use your words to tell him you want to explore his hotness, and let him take it from there. I do think it is fine to ask if something is comfortable for him, or if he has enough room, etc. Ask the way you would with someone who, as noted, doesn't have a disability. First, congrats and good luck on your hot date!! Second, you sound very self-aware and well-intentioned.
I think mentioning what you wrote here sometime on your date, like not right at the beginning but perhaps at the first awkward moment for you.
His being in a wheelchair is new for you but something he's been dealing with for a long time so I'm going to assume he's good at, or at least very experienced with, dealing with the reactions of people who aren't in wheelchairs themselves. In other words, please don't stress about this! Easier said than done before any date, right?!
As for sex, it sounds like you're clearly very interested in him and that's going to show! Clearly, he's interested in you, perhaps equally or at least a bit, because he said yes to the date! Everything else is good communication, which I think makes things even sexier you know, expressing your sexual needs and wants is showing vulnerability, which is very attractive. At least with a good, caring partner! I also recommend this article on sex and disabilities ; it's intended for those but really applies to everyone. Best of luck to you both!! As much as possible, avoid conversing with you standing while he's sitting.
Try to always find somewhere to sit when you are relating to him. Aside from whatever power dynamics might happen, it's just uncomfortable for the sitting person to have to bend his neck to look up all the time. Don't overcompensate and act like he doesn't haven't a disability, either. Be mindful of his needs, but don't make a huge deal about it. It's a balance. One of my exes is a wonderful man who happens to be blind, and I'd forget that I was holding his hand not just because he was my boyfriend, but because I was helping him navigate.
Although his blindness was not a big deal, I definitely was too casual about it because I didn't want to focus on it, and I went too far in the other direction. Another thing to be aware of is that third parties will sometimes ignore the person in the wheelchair.
Like, the waitress will ask you what he wants to order. So be prepared to redirect those people so that they address the question to him, with a minimum of fuss so it isn't more awkward for him than the waitress already made it. My go-to phrase with my good friend who's blind is, "Do you want a hand, or you've got it? It's hard to convey tone in text but "want a hand? It's easy for him to respond casually, "oh, no worries, I've got it" without having to get into a politeness-off of offering and politely rebuffing help.
Hi, wheelchair-user here. So if your date seems stressed or tense especially in the first minutes of the dateconsider the possibility that a taxi driver or a person on the train was just appallingly rude to him, possibly even threatening. He knows where the kerb cuts are, how wide a gap he needs for the chair, etc. Trust me, if he takes the long way round, it is because he needs to. If he asks someone to move their dining chair, it is because he needs to. Response by poster: Hi everyone. Thanks for your comments. Keep them coming! Also, to clear up what may be a small misunderstanding: I do not plan to jump this guy's bones on our first date, ha.
I was merely thinking about the future possibility. Although he is hot. Obvious realism caveats apply, but they're the same caveats I'd apply to any genre of erotica so you will probably recognize them easily. As with any new sex partner, have a sense of humor and don't be afraid to ask questions, even if they seem dumb.
No one ever had worse sex because their partner asked them how to make it better! Wheelchair users unless they are very new to using a chair have worked out systems for getting in and out of the chair, opening doors, getting up hills and so on. Don't try to "help" without asking if help is wanted. If he does want help give him time to explain exactly what you can do and how to do it.
For instance, don't hold a door open and then stand in the doorway and expect him to work his way through while you're in the way. I often have to stop people from being in my way when they're earnestly trying to help. Some helping is not as tricky. For instance, it can be incredibly difficult How to date someone in a wheelchair pick up a dropped object.
I always appreciate someone picking things up that I've dropped. I don't want to make it sound as if help is not wanted or appreciated. It can massively be appreciated, but just ask how to help before helping. On the other hand, if you see him struggling or looking frustrated me when putting on or taking off socks let him know that you don't mind being asked to help.
If he doesn't want to accept help, be prepared to wait patiently while he does his task. And please do not bend down or crouch to talk to someone using a chair. Erm, "accessible" is what they're actually called. So yeah, avoid saying things like that.
On that topic, you didn't mention whether the venue for said date is set yet, or if it's a dinner date, but if you're still deciding, you could casually throw out the question about whether or not he's got an opinion on accessibility at a particular restaurant or theatre etc. You been? Food's wicked awesome.
What do you think? Want me to give them a shout to check out accessibility then? There's been good advice here, so I'm just going to address the bit about "approaching the topic of sex and the logistics thereof". And possibly be less than entirely helpful, sorry! The tl;dr here is that he knows how that works and we don't. We, too, sometimes write Dan Savage or Dr Nerdlove or what have you.
That he's in a wheelchair by itself doesn't tell us much about where he has or doesn't have movement and sensation if those are affected at all, which they may not bewhat he likes or doesn't like sexually and sensually, if he has logistical needs around getting from his chair into a bed or couch It also doesn't tell us if he's kinky or vanilla, likes to take it fast or slow in a relationship, or wants you to spend the night or leave before it gets too late.How to date someone in a wheelchair
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The Challenges of Dating a Man in a Wheelchair