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One of these two men had a clear and realistic understanding of love. One of them did not. One of these men idealized love as the solution to all of his problems. One of these men was probably a narcissistic asshole. One of them was not. In our culture, many of us idealize love. And because we idealize love, we overestimate it. As a result, our relationships pay a price. After all, if love solves everything, then why bother with all the other stuff—all of the hard stuff? We understand that there are things more important in our lives and our relationships than simply being in love.

And the success of our relationships hinges on these deeper and more important values. The problem with idealizing love is that it causes us to develop unrealistic expectations about what love actually is and what it can do for us. These unrealistic expectations then sabotage the very relationships we hold dear in the first place. Love is an emotional process. Compatibility is a logical process. Forget that he was a born-again Christian alcoholic and she was an acid-dropping bisexual necrophiliac. It just felt right. When dating and looking for a partneryou must use not only your heart, but your mind.

Yes, you want to find someone who makes your heart flutter and your farts smell Beautiful wife looking nsa Reading cherry popsicles. My first girlfriend and I were madly in love with each other. We also lived in different cities, had no money to see each other, had families who hated each other, and went through weekly bouts of meaningless drama and fighting. Our love made us feel like we were overcoming our issues, when on a practical level, absolutely nothing had changed.

As you can imagine, none of our problems got resolved. The fights repeated themselves. The arguments got worse. Our inability to ever see each other hung around our necks like an albatross. Hours and hours talking on the phone with nothing actually said. Looking back, there was no hope that it was going to last. Yet we kept it up for three fucking years! Unsurprisingly, that relationship burst into flames and crashed like the Hindenburg into an oil patch.

The break up was ugly. And the big lesson I took away from it was this:. This is how a toxic relationship works. One of the defining characteristics of loving someone is that you are able to think outside of yourself and your own needs to help care for another person and their needs as well. I would argue that this is normal and healthy and a big part of what makes a relationship so great.

A loving relationship is supposed to supplement our individual identity, not damage it or replace it. I know a young woman who just got married. She was madly in love with her husband. But once the emotional high of the wedding wore off, reality set in. And she got into this situation because she ignored all three of the harsh truths above. She idealized love. Despite being slapped in the face by all of the red flags he raised while dating him, she believed that their love aled relationship compatibility.

When her friends and family raised concerns leading up to the wedding, she believed that their love would solve their problems eventually. And now that everything had fallen into a steaming shit heap, she approached her friends for advice on how she could sacrifice herself even more to make it work. Why do we tolerate behavior in our romantic relationships that we would never ever, ever tolerate in our friendships?

Imagine if your best friend moved in with you, trashed your place, refused to get a job or pay rent, demanded you cook dinner for them, and got angry and yelled at you any time you complained. This woman was like the NSA. His self-worth dropped to nothing. So he quit trusting himself to do anything. The only way you can fully enjoy the love in your life is to choose to make something else more important in your life Beautiful wife looking nsa Reading love. You can fall in love with a wide variety of people throughout the course of your life.

You can fall in love with people who are good for you and people who are bad for you. You can fall in love in healthy ways and unhealthy ways. Love is not unique. Love is not special.

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Love is not scarce. But your self-respect is. So is your dignity. So is your ability to trust. There can potentially be many loves throughout your life, but once you lose your self-respect, your dignity or your ability to trust, they are very hard to get back. Love is a wonderful experience. And it is something everyone should aspire to feel and enjoy. But like any other experience, it can be healthy or unhealthy.

Like any other experience, it cannot be allowed to define us, our identities, or our life purpose. We cannot let it consume us.

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We cannot sacrifice our identities and self-worth to it. Because the moment we do that, we lose love and we lose ourselves. Because you need more in life than love. Love is great. Love is necessary. Love is beautiful. But love is not enough. Relationships can be complicated and difficult. But few people know that there are some pretty clear als to know if a relationship is going to work or not.

Put your in the form to receive my ebook on healthy relationships.

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You can opt out at any time. See my privacy policy. Learn about the idea that transformed a depressed deadbeat into one of the most important philosophers who ever lived.

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Read about it in my free ebook. Love Is Not Enough Theory. Three Harsh Truths About Love The problem with idealizing love is that it causes us to develop unrealistic expectations about what love actually is and what it can do for us. Allow me to illustrate: 1. After all, love conquers all, right? Love Is Not Always Worth Sacrificing Yourself For One of the defining characteristics of loving someone is that you are able to think outside of yourself and your own needs to help care for another person and their needs as well.

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Yet he stays with her! Remember this: The only way you can fully enjoy the love in your life is to choose to make something else more important in your life than love. my newsletter and get a free ebook "3 Ideas to Change Your Life". Privacy Policy Close: Don't show this again. Here Are 3 Ideas That Could Change Your Life Learn about the idea that transformed a depressed deadbeat into one of the most important philosophers who ever lived. Read this in my app for a better experience.

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